Human Behaviour

The world is your mirror. The good you find in others, is in you too. The faults you find in others, are your faults as well. After all, to recognize something you must know it. The possibilities you see in others, are possible for you as well. The beauty you see around you, is your beauty. The world around you is a reflection, a mirror showing you the person you are. To change your world, you must change yourself. See the best in others, and you will be your best. Give to others, and you will give to yourself. Appreciate beauty, and you will be beautiful. Admire creativity, and you will be creative.

Love, and you will be loved. Seek to understand, and you will be understood. Listen, and your voice will be heard. Teach, and you will learn.

This blog is all about me as a whole.

My worries dragged me down a zillion times. For the past years, I was dead. My fear had killed me (not-as-dead-as-you-think) but I was naïve, coldhearted, hopeless, depressed and sorrowful. Found no reason to live, my values were down with negative mindset. I can’t stop myself in self- embedding something awful right through the center of my brain that I’m a complete waste of God’s creation, for the air and the space to every mankind.

I don’t know but my depression was too disturbing. My foolish heart was filled with bitterness and grievances; questioning God’s capacity in handling my life.

The good thing about my situation was, I’m fully aware of my behavior and tried my best to help myself out in controlling the overpowering emotions of my miseries and sadness that resides deep within me.

The rule of the universe responds and comes before us on its right time in whatever desire we have in our heart. I believe in faith and fate.

I know the reason of my breathing and why I’m still living. I have a purpose; not just a creature who adds pollution and population in this world; definitely I’m not a waste. My youth experiences of hardships and having a wounded life made me believe my existence was a mistake.

At a very young age, I cut myself off from the outside world and pretended I was strong but isolated myself and lived alone. I had my own sphere wherein I kept myself hidden from the harshness of the world but unknowingly my heart started filling each veins with resentment and bitterness.

Fear was one of my self – attacker which leads my heart in crossing the bridge of every quitter. Giving up was once programmed inside my head.

A young and rebellious tomboyish-girl was something I could describe myself. But, those were the days when I chose to hide my ferocious misfortune. My relative’s mental attitude of the past was too judgmental and transmits rumors like a blink of an eye with their own versions and that’s how they started burying me alive.

I know it will take a lifetime to master once life. It will bring us down and take us up just as how the reign of the universe manifested.

People oversee life based in their own understanding and experiences. And the perception I had for years in my personal life were an ample of whipped and abused memories for my dying-yet-living soul.

I blamed others for hurting me. I blamed them for failing me. I kept blaming people around me for anything and everything in my life. I blamed my mother for conceiving me. It was an endless pointing out fingers to everyone who killed me in years.

As the sun keeps on shining and the air keeps me breathing; few of my hair turned gray. Increasing lines in my face unfolds the truth that I’ve been around here for quite some time now. Time had gone so fast.

Realization came to me as I pictured myself for the unpleasant manner I conveyed. I never thought that in my own way I inflected pain and caused disappointments to others. I thought the crown was all mine in the castle of melancholy and gloomy world, alone. Sigh ***

Now that I saw the world and I’ve seen life, will I remain crumbled or should I rebuild my life?

Now, I have the answer…

“One day at a time–this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

Will you ever render your ear to the unspoken words of my broken heart?

Will you ever read the thoughts reconstructed by my shattered dreams?

Which one you sympathize more - the broken hearted or the heart breaker?

Which one were you?

Both?

It was a very tough weekend, struggling for the right to love and be loved. A wounded heart was broken into pieces; worst it turned into dust and slipped away.  I begged for another chance for the love back to life, without it – living is worthless.

My wreaked and tortured heart was speaking, yet misunderstood.

How someone you love could hurt you the most when they are being considered as your redeemer? The one gives you life when you’re down – comforts you when trouble comes. Mends your broken wings, showed you the world and how far away you could fly.

How can you hurt the one whom you thought your salvation from the pain? How could you continue to be in love for years when all that was given to you was nothing in return but a selfish act of stubbornness? How could you keep walking away from the one you love, the one who was trying to understand you and accepts you for what you are along with your weaknesses? How could you say you have the right love, while all you’ve been through were never ending senseless complaints and doubts? How can a love unfold, when you don’t start trusting your heart again?

How can love last? How can one say that the intense feelings towards each other are real love? How could you make the one you love stay in love with you more than you do? How could you keep the love till the end? How can you assure a genuine love will remain the same that would never felt abused, used and taken for granted? Would you choose to be naïve, just to stay in love?

In love one should be humble. Ready to adjust, compromise, take risks, extend your patience, be rational and irrational sometimes and most of all… SACRIFICE…

Is love based on:

Looks?

Status?

Money?

Fame?

Religion?

Culture?

Or you have to follow the norms, so people wouldn’t care and make a big deal out of it.

My heart never inclines meeting a perfect guy for it is fully aware that it isn’t perfect too. However, I trusted that I would be love and beloved truly and faithfully. But in real life nobody knows the difference of real ones to the make-believe. No one can ever tell until the heart starts to bleed.

Is the intense feeling towards the other worth nurturing? Is the love worth fighting for? Or it would be just a shattered effort in trying to work things out and it would be better to leave things behind and move on?

How can one survive and move on easily without looking back? How to stop the tears?

It was once well said and be remembered, “We’ll love each other till our last breathe”. No matter how painful we have been through in life. No matter how many promises have been made to be broken, how many hopes anticipated – and here we are… I thought what we had been was all for real. Why do I left alone hanging here on my own? I did and will love you until my last breath, am I not worth the same to you?

How can I possibly put my heart in a safest place in this world wherein nobody finds it, steal it and play with it all over again?

How can I set aside my bitterness when you are leaving me behind with nothing but a self questioning of where did it go wrong? An aching heart was left alone bleeding and impeaching my existence … Why do it has to be this way?

Why are you not capable in keeping the feelings longer that was once for me? What was missing? Is my love suffocating?

Am I not worth your love and others deserve more than I do? From all those days we spent with each other, adored each other, endless nights together - the laugh, the tears – the smiles… were they are all forgotten?

The tolerated distance and the longing for the day to be with in each other’s arms mean nothing to you? Where did I go wrong? And please, please tell me; where do I go from here?

Now you’re asking me why I don’t understand your ‘goodbye’? How well do you believe ‘goodbye’ be understood by my grieving heart?

If I kneel down to my knees and kiss your feet, will you stay? If I will be your forever slave will you remain seated and unpacked your bag? If I beg you to stay, will you still walk away? If I set you free – will you come back?

My heart is tired of hurting and my eyes are tired of crying, my self-respect’s gone and my body is tired of begging, every single moment I’m mourning because my heart knows soon you’d be leaving.

Will you still love me tomorrow – or your love were never here even yesterday…

I wish, I didn’t love you and I wish I didn’t know you.

Didn’t I give you enough? Maybe NOT.

Fly my love, free your wings – reach the highest mountain, chase your dream. Be who you are and be what you want to be.

Maybe, it is time to free your heart and well as mine. Now I know - I did give you enough…

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.”

I have been here in the UAE for quite some time now, I adjusted and live my life accordingly. I can say that, I’m happy and contented with my career and personal growth. In order to fit myself here, pinching and cutting off my way of life was not too difficult because I had almost the same lifestyle when I was younger.

But one thing I’ve noticed in this place that I didn’t get use to and I think I will never ever get use to it: ‘Men like to stare’. What’s wrong with them? Why do men stare? Don’t they know it’s rude?

Why do they have to stop and stare? Looking is fine but STARING isn’t! Don’t they understand the difference?  Do they lose their freaking mind?

Being stared is a very uncomfortable feeling!

Arghhhh….

Di ko man nasasabi sa kanila pero, talagang nasasaktan ako… Akala ko ok na kami – bakit ngayon ganun na naman? Noong mga nagdaang araw – nagtatampo lang ako, pero ngayon talagang nasasaktan na ako. Natatakot akong bumalik muli ang hindi na dapat. Ilang nagdaang taon ang minsang nasayang; ayaw ko ng maulit ang manghinayang. Pero, bakit ako na lang ang laging umuunawa?

Alam ba nilang napapagod din ako?

…I’m finally home…

As I wandered in the street of Garcia Hernandez, I know nothing about my ancestor or my great grandparents. The idea of visiting my mom’s homeland had been always actuated me. Traveling to Bohol was the culmination of a long, soul-searching journey to discover my roots.

My mother always vague and close-lipped about her Bol-anon roots, never told stories and my recollection of my childhood and extended families were only on my father’s alone.

As my mind slowly went so did the memories of my family saga that were never passed down are completely lost; but by traveling to Bohol I learned more about the place and discovered a deep connection – not just me but also to every Bol-anon (the people who are once foreign to me).

So, my journey happened in reverse yet very compromising. It’s an awesome experience on that late afternoon of May 26, 2009 as the Philippine Airlines landed in the airport of Tagbilaran City. I was extremely excited, can’t wait to see my mother again. It’s been a decade since the last time I saw and hugged her.

As I was waiting for my turn to get down from the plane, a flash back of a certain decision once made came across my mind. It was the security issue for my family in Mindanao that persuaded me in shifting them to a safer place. There is only one place I knew my family will never feel intimidated; my mom’s homeland – Bohol.

My mother was the only one who didn’t agree with the idea at first. She wanted somewhere else, but after few months and dirhams I wasted in phone bills she finally agreed and moved last year.  Sam followed after he graduated in College.

We decided to leave Cotabato City behind. However, the memories we have on our father’s hometown will live in our hearts – we will never forget the place we used to call “Our Home”.

“Daghang Salamat” a prompt voice from the flight attendant whose standing infront of me, slipped my thoughts away right after I looked at her. She smiled and approached me to step down on the stairs carefully.

When I finally landed my last step from the stairs to the ground, I saw life and smelled clean air. I took a deep breath and relaxed my senses and let my intuition feel the gentle breeze touching my skin. I embraced the moment. I smiled and closed my eyes; savored every minute of it. I have been craving for the serenity I just found in so many years of my life.

A small yet clean airport amazed me with friendly smile by the Bol-anon’s who welcomed us, as we entered the arrival area. I have never been here, but everything seems familiar. This place was never new to me – I concluded.

Though the language isn’t clear to my ear but I’ve learned that Bol-anon is just almost the same as Cebuano, so no worries.

I still remember when I was looking all the way down to the green and gorgeous islands surrounded by crystal clear blue water with white sand; I know I fell in love with this God’s masterpiece as we came nearer to the ground.

It did open my eyes to the fact that a big part of me being a Bol-anon wasn’t a quirky way to define myself - but it came from a real place - rich with nature’s beauty, culture and tradition.

The usual scenery of my life is the bustling streets with unpredictable noises. City life pressured me in losing my emotional control. My tired brain runs down by the spur of the crowded city.

I have been seeking peace; I finally found from the moment I touched the ground of this land.

It’s a well-spent 5 day vacation in Bohol and it was indelible to my heart not because of fancy lights and lifestyle, but because the people around me were my people and it is my homeland, the place I always belong.

Mama introduced me to everyone. For me, the hardest part of being new is remembering all the names for the rest of the family members. I am not good in remembering names. I hope that I will be forgiven.

The funny part was most of my aunt’s claimed – I looked like my father. He and I looked extremely the same, me being there brings up their memories of him alive. As a daughter, I love to know more about my parents. I always wanted to hear their story, but I chose not to ask.

On my final day in Garcia Hernandez, we visited my oldies place. It feels great looking at the pictures on the wall. I know that, the roots played the big part of every sweet fruit.

The caretaker of the house told us, that our oldies passed away still waiting for us to come home. I believed time had finally healed every single wounded heart of the past.

Ma, why did you ever leave this beautiful place and families who always loves you? She was almost in tears and answered; it’s because I chose to have you.

She just answered my first question and the rest of endless yet unspoken and unvoiced why’s from the past with one sentence. Indeed it was very satisfying. I am so blessed. Now, I know her love for me is never ending.

“A mother’s love in instinctual, unconditional and forever.”

It was a memoir of a lifetime. At last, my mother found her way back home. And we, her children called ourselves as “Maguindanoang Bol-anon”.

Please visit the below link for more of my family’s adventure:

Pamilacan Island

Python Prony and the Tarsiers

Tarsier

Blood Compact Shrine

Baclayon Church

Loboc River

Chocolate Hills

Maambong Resort - Roxas Park

Quality Time

My grandparents house

I couldn’t move from where I was sitting. My jaw dropped. I was shocked and startled. How on Earth could someone behead a human being for money? And where on Earth a poor family of Mr. Bernard Gonzales could produce 25 Million Peso in exchange of his life? These fucking Abu Sayyaf aren’t ashamed of killing a carpenter! A carpenter who fed his stomach along with his family and earns his money with his own sweat and blood…And yet, these evils are taking money effortlessly from everyone! All they do is scaring and harming people around! Randomly torturing and inflecting pain to every human race. I can’t find any exact word to describe how barbarous they are!

 Every time I heard Abu Sayyaf’s name it really gets on my nerve and I desperately want to scrape their skin and tie them up in the middle of 10000000000000 Billion ants. And leave them until they run out of blood! ALL OF THEM!

Living in Mindanao…

Being a Cotabateño is something I’m really proud of. I used to hear people commenting on how dangerous Cotabato is and living in Mindanao is a nightmare. I knew they are just beating around the bush so I don’t mind it and I answered them back with a smile.  For me there’s nothing to worry about.

But right after watching today’s news a recollection of the past event of my younger year’s flashes back – my brain bleed – a mournful memory is breaking my heart again.

I almost forgot how my father died…

It was a mid- August when my father left and never came back. Families, friends and almost everyone I knew, helped us to look for him. We went to the police station and did everything we could. We even went to the local radio station, asking the listeners to help us in finding my father. He was missing for 3 days…

My world of adventure and ambition came to an abrupt halt. From the first night he didn’t come home and the rest of the days he never did, I couldn’t forget my entire emotions of fear.

3 days passed, a complete disappointment covered my sanity right after hearing the early morning news by a local radio station. Every one of us were shivering and grieving when we heard that the body found floating on the river was announced as my father’s and he was beheaded by unknown criminals.

He was already dead for 3 days and his body was decaying. I couldn’t forget when his body came home in that white covered coffin. When the funeral guys opened it, I couldn’t look at him… I asked Mama, if that was really my father. I can’t recognize him anymore – plus acknowledging a headless decaying dead person as your father was too hard to do. Tears were endless, too painful to forget!

I knew in my heart it was him as I looked at his hands that used to beat me. I silent tears were overflowing. My heart asked him if it was really a final goodbye. I wanted to look at him in the eye, I wanted to look at his face one more time – I wanted to make sure how handsome he was - but how could I deny the cruelness he faced on his final moment on Earth.  How could I say if he was in peace at that very moment, knowing I’m only looking on his wounded neck? As a kid, I also asked him in a loud voice: Papa nasan na ang ulo mo? Mama wrapped me in her arms and said: Anak, di ka man masasagot ng Papa mo, ito ang tandaan mo – mahal na mahal ka niya”.

I was grieving inside out and longing for him to come back and be my father once again, it really doesn’t matter if he continues to beat me. I just want him alive!

I may be too young to remember all the pain back then, but it was too devastating. Mom was in a grisly shape, all of my families were suffering.

The endless tears seems forever, Mama broke down and cry for so many days, nights or even months and years. There were countless occasions I noticed my aunts and uncles wiping their tears and pretending they were ok.

I even witnessed a heart breaking moment when my Lola shouted and asked the Lord why did HE gave him a son and took him in a very painful way.  Tears were everywhere and it took years for my family to recover.

I have a deep hatred for my father but knowing that he was gone leads my heart to a bursting grief. Every day that passes by without him, I find that I miss him even more. And his way of disciplining me was something I can relate nowadays – without those I am not who I am now. When my father passed away, a big part of me died along with him.

Until now my father’s death was an unclosed case.

Mr. Gonzales head were found in the Lamitan City while my father’s body was found in Malagapas River. So horrible! I can feel the pain of his family which was once mom’s and mine.

I still left wondering how Papa really died. How hurt he was? How was his last moment? What was he thinking? How scared he was? Why did they kill him? Does he really deserve to die in that way? Tons of questions left unanswered…  A painful dark truth and memory will never be forgotten.

I often say, I will not judge anybody, anyone or anything without hearing both sides of the story – but Abu Sayyaf is an exemption!

I prayed that they will realize the agony of losing a family in that way is excruciating.

In reference to my yesterday’s blog; I would like to acknowledge the negative impact of my behavior and apologize the awry manner I conveyed (nyeh, idadaan ba sa business format ang blog!)

I’m guilty, I know…

The mere fact that that the world is facing a terrible global crisis and here I am complaining about my so-very-nice-and-interesting-job, I think I am ridiculously blind!

My head goes blank after I wrote the above sentence; here I am lying again…tsk

Well, I just couldn’t find the exact word to utter how frustrated I am. But honestly speaking, I am doing the best I could in utilizing my frustration. I know that sometimes I freak out but as human I couldn’t avoid that, right? But I always keep in mind the consequences of my acts, whether it is positive or negative.

Okay, I am not trying to cover up the negative act I did which was expressing how pissed off I was, but it’s understandably unfair when you’re doing your best and at the end of the day it’s all useless. C’mon have a heart man!

When you know you’re overworked and your body is almost giving up – feeling sick and tired. The endless morning’s of wanting to borrow some more minutes in bed, bargaining the time to stay put for just awhile because you have been working 12 to 13 hours a day, without any break is amazingly depressing and displeasing (extra hours of work are unremunerated).

Plus the ruthless truth of finding a vacant car park late at night is forever. So I had to park my car in the corniche and take a 15-20 minutes’ walk almost every night before freeing myself from the stressful world. I am undeniably sweating and dying in laying my body in bed, wishing that I will never be awake again.

In this world there are lot of things to worry about, I am just .000000001 % from all the issues that needed to be addressed to, so why would I bother myself in thinking about the annoying things and situations around me?

Does it mean, I should be naïve and pretend that I’m okay - while my heart, body, soul, arteries, nerves (whatever!) speaks otherwise?

In the other hand, life is still great. I know – I have to accept the verity and take it as a challenge and add the knowledge I gained from everyday life for my self improvement.

Finally, I realized that this one is the greatest period in my life. I just have to make some efforts to bring the things in the right direction. I don’t want to waste my time complaining, I have to enjoy life because life time comes only once. And yeah, I am very blessed after all.

If I were a boy even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it
‘Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man

I’d listen to her
‘Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
‘Cause he’s taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
‘Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man

I’d listen to her
‘Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
‘Cause he’s taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say it’s just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
And you don’t understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
‘Cause you’re taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you’re just a boy

Try to close your eyes and imagine life without color. Do you think the existence of life means something? Earth will be covered by sadness, I assume.

Why did I come up with this kind of topic? Well I think the reality bit me again.

This morning I was desperately running out of time, my boss was leaving for a client’s meeting and the reports aren’t ready yet. This is a usual situation I can’t avoid it happens almost every day; meaning, I am used to it, but today I couldn’t cope up with the stress and it was so darn strong to resist.

I was standing beside my boss, suddenly a cruel experience over powered me; a sharp pain on to my chest right through my heart - leaving me numbed and sweating. “Please sit down” as my boss was aiding me. It was an intense 3 seconds pain I couldn’t bear.

As a significance of unbearable pain, I couldn’t think of anything – just holding on to it. After I recovered, I couldn’t believe that I drank almost a pitcher of water. I was left clueless and wondering “What was that all about?” And whatever the sanity of that pain really doesn’t bother me.

But now by finding myself writing about it – I know I’m quite concern with my health, I urged to know the reason of such terrible pain.

I googled “intense chest pain” – found thousands of information available over the www, without any hesitation I read and studied it. All of them!…and guess what? I was so confused and scared to every word from the given information in which makes me feel sicker.

While I’m still holding my chest a tolerable pain still exist and that’s how I started to look far beyond. Nothing I can see but only a vision of truth of a grayish me.

I close my eyes, as I lay back and relax…

I ask myself why
I can see only gray in the sky
Looking below and on the mountain high
I can see nothing but gray, I sigh

I walked on through,
Left footprints on the gray sand too
Everything seems old and nothing’s new
Gazing from afar, up and below

While I’m on the beach
Everything is out of reach
Why is this happening?
Is this the real world I’m living?

Why everything is in gray, I wonder
Looking for an answer
I know I’m a good observer
The loneliness I found, I just can’t bear.

Maybe my life was a lonely one
So, I can see gray in everyone
What have I done?
I can’t wait to witness a new dawn.

Life means nothing
Without yellow, orange and green
I don’t want only white, brown and blue
I really need the red one too.

I want to see the light
Bring back the sunlight
Where’s the shimmering moonlight?
Don’t leave me behind.

Suddenly, a prompt voice said
Saying; Lady, it’s not too late
Anything may happen to you in any minute
Be proud of yourself, you just did great.

By picturing myself in that gray environment, I longed for life – life I didn’t live because I chose to hate the unknown and the only answer I had was giving up.

I was stupid,
Now I realized it.
Thank God for it’s not too late,
I still can breathe and have the chance to mend my broken beliefs.

I know the chest pain I had awhile ago will not be new as I grow older. Everybody will pass on this planet, but before I go – let me do a self-questioning: Did I ever live my life to the fullest or I just waste it?

You, yes you… Have you ever close your eyes and imagine your life in gray color? Have you ever thought life isn’t worth living?

Henry Van Dyke said: Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love, to work, to play, and to look up at the stars.